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  • Writer's pictureJeremy LaLonde

Make YOUR Own Goddamn Muesli

Updated: Aug 21, 2019

Sick of that store bought shit and people and some company deciding the perfect combination of flavours for your muesli?! Like granola but think, “Fuck, I could probably make this healthier without the sweetener and oil its baked in? Well this is the guide for you! Grab whatever grains, nuts, seeds, and dried fruit you’ve got in your cupboard - or take a spin at your nearest bulk store and let’s make some fucking breakfast!


At 2/3 cup this should make just shy of 9 servings. But you could eat less and stretch it out. You need to decide that shit for yourself. But at 2/3 cup it’s roughly 290 calories depending on the combo of stuff you pick - so there’s that.


4 cups of whole grains

You’re probably going to want to have half of this be rolled oats and then do a half a cup of four other grains - but fuck - whatever combo you want is fine. Here’s some suggestions: rolled oats, wheat bran, whole rye, whole barley, sorghum flakes, quinoa flakes, millet puffs, millet flakes, buckwheat puffs, farro, and teff)

1 1/2 cups nuts/seeds

Depending on how much variety here I’d do equal portions of 1/4 - which gives you six items from this list to choose from. Half nuts, half seeds. But whatever you want is aces - you just want all of the same thing? Fucking boring, but it’s your breakfast! Here’s some suggestions: sliced almonds, walnuts, cashews, pecans, pistachios, hazelnuts, sunflower seeds, pepitas/pumpkin seeds, chia seeds, ground flax seeds, poppy seeds, peanuts (I know - technically NOT a nut), sesame seeds, hemp seeds, and unsweetened coconut flakes.

1/2 cup dried fruit

The key here is get the ones that don’t have extra sugar added to them - so they should say “unsweetened” along with their label and if you can’t find that, pick another one ‘cause they’re already packed with natural sugars. Again - variety is key here - if you measure them in 1/8 cup increments you can pick four - do it by a tbsp and you get eight! Just want one or two, sure, do a 1/4 cup of each. Make it your own for shit’s sake. Here’s some suggestions: dried apricots, dried cherries, dried cranberries, dried mango, dried figs, dried dates, raisins, golden raisins, currants, prunes, and apple chips.


Just to give the grains a little kick. Here’s some suggestions: cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves, and pumpkin spice.


Heat up your oven to 350°F. Toss the grains together with your spices and put onto a baking sheet on top of parchment or a silicon matte if you have one of them fancy things. Now spread out your nuts and seeds on a separate baking sheet. Put ‘em both in the oven: grains on top, nuts/seeds on the bottom. Bake until that shit starts to smell good (10-12 minutes). But different ovens are different - keep an eye on ‘em - don’t let that shit burn!

If you’re adding coconut now’s the time to do it. Take the nuts and seeds out - they should be done. Mix the coconut in with the grains and pop it back in for another five minutes - just until it’s golden-brown. Pull it out and let it cool (10 minutes or so).

Put everything together in a giant-ass-bowl and add in the dried fruit. Toss and combine everything. Store in an air-tight container for up to 1 month (I mean, it’ll store longer - it’ll just get a bit stale).

Eat it! How? Well you’re in luck - I made a video explaining the different ways to eat this shit that you can check out here. But if you just want to read about it - here’s some simple info below in the tips section.


How do I eat this stuff?

So many goddamn ways - and you can see me try five of them in that video I mentioned. So here’s the basics - you can enjoy it as oatmeal, cereal, overnight oats, or with yogurt (which I didn’t do ‘cause I fucking hate yogurt - but most people don’t so you do you), topped with fresh fruit and a drizzle of honey or maple syrup - but fruit makes it sweet enough for me. At least promise me you’ll try it before adding any additional sweetness - your body will thank you.

The Traditional Swiss Method

The Traditional Swiss Way of eating this is to put an equal amount (so 2/3 cup) of apple or orange juice onto it, and a grated apple. That’s it. It’s a bit chewy - but it’s pretty good this way. I use cherry juice and it’s awesome. Dealer’s choice!

Overnight Oats Style!

Overnight oats edition: soak it with an equal amount of milk (dairy or non-dairy - your call - I used almond), put 1 tbsp of chia seeds in there and top it with a cup of blueberries (fresh or frozen), and then put it in the fridge overnight. Stir it up in the morning and smash it into your mouth. Good if you’re on the run, it’s creamy and chilly - so better for the warmer times of the year.

Applesauce edition!

Applesauce! Make some quick applesauce in your instant pot or on the stove (my video shows an example) and then add it to the dry muesli along with frozen berries and a banana. Mix it up - smash it into your mouth. Nice and warm, but still crunchy.

Oatmeal Style!

Oatmeal style! Cook your muesli in an instant pot or stove top the way you would oatmeal (cook it in milk of your choice or water - depends if you want it a bit creamier), add fruit after. This will give you the creamiest version of it. Fucking amazing on a cold day.

Cereal Style!

Cereal style! Just scoop it into a bowl, add a milk and some fruit. You know how to eat cereal for fuck’s sake!

Storage: Muesli can be stored in an airtight container for up to 1 month. I mean, it’ll last longer it’ll just start to get a bit stale - but you probably won’t notice.


Honestly - for this one you’re going to have to figure that shit out yourself - there’s too many variables to consider. Likely you’ll be in the ballpark of 260-300 calories per 2/3 cup. Which is plenty when you mix it with some fruit and liquid.


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