HOW DO I START WORKING OUT?

So you want to do a workout on top of eating properly? Well that’s a great fucking way to get in shape and also lose a bunch of weight if you’re also aiming to do so. But how the fuck do you start? You probably don’t want to go to the gym. Well good fucking news! The workout routine that I started with - that I did for the first year - and easily lost about 60+ pounds alone on - is something you can do from the comfort of your own living room (and when I say comfort I mean absolute discomfort because, let’s face it, working out sucks a little bit - or a lot).

Now. If you want to skip reading this just check out the video above where I embarrass myself by showing you this workout and how the moves should look - especially from someone as untrained and uncoordinated as I am.

I designed this based off a bunch of others I found online from various former fat forkers doing home workouts.

No. This is not something you need to do in this workout. I'm just fucking showing off.

I’m not going to lie - the first couple weeks of doing this it took A LOT out of me. It was fucking hard. It kicked my ass - but the more you do it the more used to it you get - and it GIVES YOU RESULTS! This is meant to be a High-Intensity-Interval-Training exercise so you’re supposed to go through the whole list without stopping - but be fucking smart about it. If you’re getting winded and need to catch your breath then do so. Don’t be a goddamn hero. Maybe next time it won’t be as hard. I’ve moved on to other routines, and I pretty much breeze through this one now - but that wasn’t always the case. Seriously - go at the pace that works for you. As you get more used to it, the easier it will be, the faster you'll get through it. Be safe and fucking smart.

So the key to the success here is to mix this routine with cardio. UGH. You hate cardio, right? Well think of cardio like a hate-fuck - you don't need to like it, but you're going to get what you need from it and it's going to be good for you in the long run (I've never actually hate-fucked anyone - please let me know if this is accurate...)

You’re going to do three 5-10 minute sets of cardio and after each one you’re going to do the HIIT routine. So that’s three sets of each. In total this should take you 45-60 minutes. I know, working out takes time. Suck it up and deal with it.

Examples of your cardio can include:

• Elliptical machine (if you’ve got access to one)

• Walking/Jogging/Running up and down a set of stairs (if doing this then 5 minutes is more than enough time)

• Walking/Jogging/Running down the street (go at the pace that feels like a warm-up more than intense - you should be able to carry on a conversation but not sing - if that makes sense...)

Now - here’s your HIIT routine:

1. 25 Jumping Jacks

2. 8 Push-ups

3. 15 Crunches

4. 8 Squats

5. 8 Burpees

6. 25 Jumping Jacks

7. 1 Minutes Wall Sit (this is the fucking worst part of it all)

8. 8 Push-ups

9. 15 Crunches

10. 8 Squats

11. 20 High Knees

12. 15 Mountain Climbers

Again - check out the video above if you want to see what this looks like. We do three sets of cardio followed by three sets of HIIT. Then we re-fucking-lax.

I recommend doing some stretches at the end just to keep yourself from getting too stiff.

In a perfect world you should aim to do this 3-4 times a week with a day-off between each session. On the “days off” you should do some light cardio, like walking 10,000 steps, etc… In general walking as much as you can is never a bad thing. Aim to walk 4.8 - 6.5 km a day regardless of your workouts or not, but especially on "rest days".

So that should get you started. Hope it helps you as much as it helped me. And again - before you do any of this shit talk to your fucking doctor!

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