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  • Writer's pictureJeremy LaLonde


Updated: Aug 21, 2019

Wait a fucking second. CAULIFLOWER PORRIDGE?! This is not a shock people. We’re in the world of people using cauliflower as a grain substitute. And you know what? It’s pretty great! And it’s healthy as shit - it’s low in calories, high in fibre, a good source of antioxidants, and a bunch of other things. And because you’re just using it as a base and flavouring the fuck out of it you probably won’t even know that it’s cauliflower. Seriously, try it. Ricing the cauliflower IS an extra step - but you’re a grown-up, you can handle that shit.

Serves: 1


2 cups cauliflower florets (makes 1 cup packed when riced)

1 banana

1 cup unsweetened plant-based milk of your choice

1 tbsp almond butter (or nut butter of your choice)

2 tsp maple syrup

1 1/4 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract

1 tbsp raw almonds (or nut of your choice)

Fruit of your choice (pick a berry and something firmer: peach, pear, or apple)


Add the cauliflower to a food processor and process the shit out of it until it’s in small granules and looks like rice. Add in half the banana and process until it's mashed right the fuck up and it’s all blended together.

Toss the cauliflower-banana mixture in a small pot, add in the milk, nut butter, maple syrup, cinnamon, and vanilla. Get that fucker up to a light boil then bring to a simmer for about 12 to 15 minutes or until that beautiful mess is tender and the liquid is absorbed to your liking.

Pour into a big bowl and top with the rest of the banana, almonds, and whatever the hell fruit you like. I recommend some berries for the health of it and whatever firmer seasonal fruit you’ve got (apples, peaches pears, etc…) whatever’s fresh and that you fucking love is good. Enjoy your healthy-as-fuck porridge!


Um, I don’t have a food processor…

Shit… get one! But in the meantime you can use a box grater instead. Just be careful with your knuckles on that fucking thing. You want the cauliflower to stay white if you know what I mean…

I have an Instant Pot!

Fucking right! I did do this one on the stovetop but you can do it in the Instant Pot as well. Just cook it on the manual or porridge setting for 3 minutes.


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